Right to judge?? Please read.....

Complete and utter shock. That was my first reaction to Gary Speed’s death, as it was everyone else’s. Here was a guy who, to everyone, seemed to have it all. A fantastic football career, a family he loved dearly, and now he was working wonders managing the welsh team. He didn’t seem depressed…so why? Why did he do it? What happened in those last hours that made him want to take his own life? It doesn’t make sense…….Or does it?

Unfortunately to some it does. There is no official stance that Gary Speed was suffering with depression, but whether we like it or not, the topic has been brought up.

There is a misconception that people who suffer with depression fit a certain image. They are unshaven. They are sad all the time. They are always frowning.  Social outcasts who bring other people down. They don’t have many friends because they push them away. They shout at people, they cry all the time. They are people who are a nightmare to be around. They are weak people who don’t know how to cope.

“Just pull yourself together, look how many amazing things you have in your life”

“Don’t you realise how many people care for you?”

“For god sake, cheer up, there are people worse off than you”

These are just a few comments that people who suffer with depressive thoughts hear every day. Yes, they may very well be true. But people on the outside looking in seem to forget one thing…people who have depression, who have constant invasive thoughts, don’t always have rationality. When your mind is plagued by such sadness then it is hard to be rational about anything at all.

And the shocking thing?? Anyone at all can suffer from it. It could be your boss, who always seems to stable and organised. You know that guy you pass everyday who is always smiling and talking to people? Yep, he could have it. Your best friend who is always so fun when you go out? Yes her…the one who secretly cries every night and finds it a struggle to get out of bed every day. People of all ages, class and colour suffer from depression and sometimes there is no way of knowing…

Some people look for a trigger, and yes in many cases there are. An event could happen that can raise anxiety, fearful thoughts, thoughts that drag you down. But that isn’t always the case. Sometimes, for some unknown reason, you have these thoughts that won’t go away. They are there when you wake up and you get angry with yourself. Why do I feel like this?! Why won’t it stop?! And then the guilt starts….why am I putting my family through this? Why can’t I see the world the way other people seem to? I just want to have one day where I don’t feel sad or angry about something.

So you try and be “normal”. You know you have things going for you. Written down on paper you can see that. If this was you trying to talk to somebody who suffered with this awful disease then you could explain this to them. “Come on, you are a great person, you can get through this!” So, if you could give this advice to someone else, then surely you can take it yourself…can’t you? And some days it works…a little bit. You don’t feel as sad. You find a shred of positivity to hold on to.

Then some days you catch yourself laughing and instead of relaxing and letting go, you cease up. “What’s happening? I can’t let myself laugh like this! It’s false hope! I know in half an hour I am going to feel bad again”…so you stop laughing. Knowing that the paradox of laughter will arrive shortly. The extreme of laughter is painful enough without having experienced happiness moments earlier…so you eventually stop yourself from laughing. Purely because you convince yourself it isn’t going to last. You realise that this happiness is temporary, and sometimes you would rather not have it at all. It’s easier that way isn’t it?

Oh yes you can lead a completely normal life. People who have depression are good little actors and actresses. You learn to be. In fact, sometimes it is even exaggerated. You don’t want anyone else to notice because sometimes you don’t want to admit it to yourself. “I am ok, look I can leave the house, so it must be me being dramatic!” So you start to blame yourself..again. For being miserable. “I’m so stupid. It can’t be serious because I am functioning!” And you become angry with yourself. You also don’t want to be labelled as a person who has depression. The stigma attached can be catastrophic. I should know.

Unfortunately, while I suffered with this I found a partner who certainly didn’t help. Not that I was looking for help. I didn’t want to lean on anyone else. I wanted to beat this by myself. But unfortunately, I picked a partner who didn’t believe that depression was real.  I was just being over emotional and needed to be a lot stronger. Apparently. He broke up with me until I came off tablets that a doctor prescribed. And of course I did. I would have done anything for him.  He told me the doctor was wrong and I was being self-pitying. Of course I wasn’t depressed. I came from a good family, who was well off. I was just being selfish and pathetic. (One of the words that I would hear from him often in our relationship). And so began a year’s worth of Oscar performances from myself. I pretended to him and myself I was ok. Looking back now I see the signs that I wasn’t. And it ended up being destructive; any sign that I was sad or down became an attacking point for him. “Sian, you are so weak! Why do you always give up on everything? You are being pathetic! Depression doesn’t exist. Look at me, I don’t have much and I’m happy all the time. Why can’t you be more like me? Why can’t you be more like everyone else…” basically, why can’t I be anyone but me. Unbeknown to me at the time, this was slowly destroying me. His words defined who I was in my eyes. And I was a weak pathetic person, who had let depression control me. I needed to fight this because he said I had to. Because he said I was pathetic if I didn’t.

The relationship didn’t last. And when he walked away I became an insignificant dot in this world. And he walked away without even looking back. I hated myself. I thought I was the most disgusting person in the world. I was possibly at my lowest point and I didn’t have one good word to say about myself. All because of another person’s opinion of me.

Now? I thank my lucky stars every day that he left me! I can see now that this was so damaging for me. I am not in any way blaming him for any of my depression. But I have realised that instead of dealing with my thoughts I tried to make myself believe that it was all my fault, and it certainly didn’t help that that’s what I was being told by the guy who I loved more than life itself. But what’s even scarier is that his opinions are the opinions of many. Not about me, but depression as a whole. That people who have depression are weak. And selfish.

I am not saying that living with someone with depression is easy to live with as I am all too aware of the effects it has had on other people. I have seen first-hand how family and close friends suffer.  And the person who has caused this is all too aware that they have caused pain and sorrow for those who are closest to them.  

I know because I have been through it. I am, thankfully, in a great place right now. There have been other factors in my “Depression” that I needn’t share. I know my triggers, and I know the best way, for me, to deal with things. I know this sounds clichéd by something has clicked with me and I honestly feel that it is all behind me. For whatever reasons. I am not naive enough to think I won’t have down days, but that’s ok. I don’t feel bad for that anymore, because everyone has down days. And for me, that’s all they are anymore. But maybe I am one of the lucky ones? There are millions of people out there every day that are still ashamed, embarrassed and trying to fight it.

I don’t know what the answer is. I think everyone’s situation is so unique that there can’t be a general form of help. And I won’t give my opinions on what I think treatment wise because that is all personal choice. I know what worked for me may not work for others. In my eyes, I don’t even like the label depression anymore because when you tell people you have suffered with it, it becomes who you are. To them and also to yourself. Always.  You box yourself and give yourself limitations. I prefer to see it as a time in my life that I was learning about myself and the world. And, most importantly, I can see now that I got through it and I am a much stronger person.

But not everyone does. People who commit suicide don’t always plan it. They don’t always think about it every day. They can seem fine to the world and they could even be having a “good” day themselves. Sometimes something triggers the dark spiral. Sometimes too much thinking leads you there. And I truly believe your irrational side over takes you. In your eyes you are not being selfish; you are helping people by no longer being around. All rationality goes out of the window.

So next time you are judging someone for their reaction to something…stop and think. Yes they may be over emotional, they may seem “crazy”, and they may do things that you don’t understand. But we never truly know what someone is thinking or how they are coping with things in their life.

Whatever the speculation about Gary Speed and how and why his life came to such a tragic end, I hope people refrain from judgement. We have no right to judge how he chose to cope with things in his life. He should just be remembered for the amazing footballer, husband, son, father and person he was. That should be the lasting memoy.